you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
