Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize