i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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