I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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