ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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