Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
