Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
