im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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