I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
