The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
