I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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