I wish I could punch you in the face.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
