News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Shame - the story of my life.
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