Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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