Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize