Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
