I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
