I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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