He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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