Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
