my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You ruined the universe
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
