And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
