i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
