Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They took my balls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
