The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
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