who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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