You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
