Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
