At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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