My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
