the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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