I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
