Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
