Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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