Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
