The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
farters have to be the big spoon...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
