He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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