I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
