Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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