turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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