Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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