I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize