Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
