apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
