its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
