I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize