I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You ruined the universe
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
