its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
