I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
