I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
