I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
