Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
